Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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