My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
