im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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