and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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