Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
