Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
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no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
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Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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