I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
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you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
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Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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