Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
