I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
