You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
