Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
