I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
