Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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