My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
