Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
