how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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