How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
