im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
