dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
