Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
