Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
false alarm. still invincible.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
