2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
