my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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