i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
