you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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