If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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