I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
