her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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