The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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