Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
