It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
