the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
