Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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