i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
