Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
