If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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