Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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