Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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