Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
