His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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