I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
