Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
