I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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