I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
