When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
