When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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