The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just cut my nipple shaving
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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