If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
