Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
