My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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