So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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