I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
