Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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