maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
