did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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