so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
