Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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