32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
