never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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